A Humble Request

I think I'm going to move to Austin.

No wait, I've changed my mind.

No wait, I am.

All I want for Christmas is to be able to have a train of thought other than the above, say, once a day. It's terribly inefficient to have your mind perpetually preoccupied with a complete lack of decisiveness. It's the opposite of efficient, actually. I'm enamored of the idea of living in an actual city, with actual places and things to do, and, I'm nervous mentioning this because I don't want to jinx it, books. The idea of being able to browse a bookstore that stocks something other than James Patterson, Twilight, and Ann Coulter is enough to make me feel guilty for entertaining such indulgent thoughts.

But the idea of losing my departmental seniority and having to teach freshmen, or sophomores (or "freshman," as I like to call them) is enough to make me google "hermitage."

But I taught the current sophomores in third grade, and I have to get the f out of town before they get up to me. Their souls are as black as the night itself.

But I have the current advantage of working for incompetents, which makes it terribly easy to get away with pretty much anything I want.

But I have the current disadvantage of working for incompetents, which makes it terribly easy for me to drink a lot.

But the thought of being in a community with intelligent, educated single people makes me think I'm dreaming about, well, a community with intelligent, educated single people.

But the thought of having to deal with I-35 makes me think I'm having a nightmare about, well, having to deal with I-35.

But I have the current disadvantage of living in what is, according to my unsystematic and thoroughly incomplete eleven minutes of research, the most conservative county in Texas.

But I have the current advantage of living in a county where I get to feel superior.

It's Amy Poehler's last show on SNL. Et tu, Baby Mama?